I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
