I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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