god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
