My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
