is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
