rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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