do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
