There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
