everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
