Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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