the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
