I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
