My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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