I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Dick very happy bro
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
