oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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