I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We need a shit load of segways right now
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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