There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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