I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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