I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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