just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
