I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
