He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i need an iv and a liver transplant
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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