in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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