Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize