So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
