beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize