i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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