I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
