I just cut my nipple shaving
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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