JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
