My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
