There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
