I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
