$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
