You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
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