We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
