All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
