you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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