If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
