guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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