i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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