Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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