wanna go halves on a baby?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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