tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
