I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
