I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
