never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
there is puke in my bra ... again
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
