i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
