You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
