You smell like a Billy Joel song
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize