i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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