Dude my mom stole all your condoms
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
