Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
