If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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