Your mouth is God's brothel.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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